Family Fun/Family Fun.iso/joke1/jokes_j/jokes.11

Internet Message Format | 1992-01-07 | 35KB

From [e-mail] Thu Jun  1 02:20:06 1989
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!ssbn!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Wendell J Wilcox [phone])
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Life in Hell
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 1 Jun 89 07:20:06 GMT
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This is a paradoy ad that appeared in the Chicago Reader. The
Reader is Chicago's underground paper.


        AN OPEN LETTER TO THE PUBLIC

    Hi there,

    On March 24, in the wee hours of the morning, mistakes
were made in the waters of Prince Willaim Sound, way up someplace
in Alaska. By now you all know that our tanker, the Hexxon Valdez,
was hit by a treacherous submerged reef that made us lose 240,00
barrles of vaulable oil into the uncooperative waters of the Sound.

    We could sue that reef if we wanted to, but that's not
Hexxon's style. Instead we are keeping our fingers crossed that
this whole thing will blow over in a matter of weeks. Sure, there
will be disgusting pictures of filthy birds, fish and other
unsavory wildlife. But I hope that you know Hexxon has already
commited several hundred people to hose off those stubbord otters
that still happen to be alive.

    Finally, and most importantly, I want you to believe how
sorry I am that this incindent has occured. We cannot, of course,
undo what has been done. Only God can do that, and He caused the
whole damn thing in the first place. But I can assure you that
since March 24, this little "in in the drink" problem has been
receiving our full attention, and and will continue to do so
until youu forget about the whole thing.

    Thanks for your continued support. We couldn't do it
without you.


                    Keep on pumpin'
                    L.G. Crawl
                    Chairman

    P.S. To those of you who suggested that we Hexxon
executives should be forced to go to Alaska and scrub those
oily rocks ourselves, not returning until the job is done,
no matter how long it takes, we simpply say this: YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND. WE ARE RICH AND POWERFUL BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS.

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.

Topical (current events) jokes should be sent to [e-mail]


From [e-mail] Thu Jun  1 05:30:04 1989
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (JimThe Big Dweeb Griffith)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Talk about a tough union...
Keywords: original, smirk
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 1 Jun 89 10:30:04 GMT
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I hear that the guards at Los Alamos National Laboratory have gone on
strike.  I would imagine that this means that the facility is sitting
there unguarded.  Of course, crossing the picket line is a real bitch...

                Jim

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
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From [e-mail] Thu Jun  1 18:30:04 1989
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Jeff Boerio)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Front Page News
Keywords: chuckle, true
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 1 Jun 89 23:30:04 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Organization: Tg Programming
Lines: 30
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Reply-Path: rutgers!mace.cc.purdue.edu!ajk


     "Soviet lotto jackpot features toilet paper"  (various sources)

       MOSCOW - A lottery in the Ukranian city of Stakhanov didn't top the
     $115 million jackpot offered last week in Pennsylvania, but the
     winners seemed happy with their prizes: rolls of toilet paper.

       The newspaper "Literary Gazette told the story of Ira, a girl who
     bought three tickets and walked awat with several rolls of toilet
     paper, a towel and a small bowl.

       The lottery tickets cost 50 kopeks - about 81 cents - more than the
     actual price of mant of the prizes.

       "But don't forget that there are great shortages," Wednesday's
     article read.  "In the city of Stakhanov, except for the lottery,
     one cannot get these goods."

       Other lucky ticket holders in Stakhanov won hens, pigs, goats,
     detergent, and bath soap.

---
Jeff Boerio -- Tg Programming
Purdue University Computer Science Dept.

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
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From [e-mail] Fri Jun  2 02:20:04 1989
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!ssbn!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Evert Wolsheimer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Fusing along
Keywords: topical, original, chuckle, gross
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 2 Jun 89 07:20:04 GMT
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Reply-Path: neat.ai.toronto.edu!pyramid!prls!wolsheim

Clearest evidence yet of cold fusion
------------------------------------

Yesterday in our labs we found the most convincing evidence of cold fusion
thus far. The experiment went like this....

Our laboratory rat Freddy was tied down in a container similar to the
one used by Pons & Fleischman. We then proceeded to insert a straw down his
throat, and connected the other end of the straw to a jar of heavy water.
At exactly 3 PM we opened the valve, and the heavy water started to flow
immediately. After five minutes Freddy showed clear signs of warming up,
and at 3:09:47 Freddy EXPLODED......

We immediately performed a control experiment with Jerry, Freddy's twin
brother, and this time we used ordinary tap water for the experiment.
Our claims of cold fusion were confirmed by the fact that Jerry exploded
after 10 minutes and 13 seconds, a full 26 seconds later than Freddy.

We are disappointed however in the reaction of our patent department,
they claim they don't think there is a commercial application for this
invention. We completely disagree with them. The amount of energy released
was incredible, based on the appearence of the lab after the explosion.
Oh well, we can always get a nice publication out of it...
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
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From [e-mail] Sun Jun  4 05:30:09 1989
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Frederick Wamsley)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Getting along with the natives
Keywords: chuckle
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 4 Jun 89 10:30:09 GMT
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Reply-Path: uunet!hpda!hplabs!well!alcmist

A U.S. Army survival manual tells how a stranded serviceman should deal
with the inhabitants of wherever he is:

"Be respectful of their personal property, especially their women."

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
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From [e-mail] Mon Jun  5 02:20:04 1989
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From: [e-mail] (Steve Dyer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Elections in Poland
Keywords: topical, maybe, sexual
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 5 Jun 89 07:20:04 GMT
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This joke, making the rounds in Warsaw, was related in an editorial in
the Boston Globe, 6/3/89. {ed Edited}

A dejected Communist Party candidate trudges home after the polls close.

"So, Marek, how many votes did you get?" asks his wife.

"Two," he responds.

She slaps him hard across the face.

"What was that for?"

"You have a mistress, now do you!!?"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
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From [e-mail] Mon Jun  5 05:30:04 1989
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Julian Vrieslander)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Blind luck
Keywords: chuckle
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 5 Jun 89 10:30:04 GMT
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Reply-Path: tcgould.TN.CORNELL.EDU!eacj


A young woman has just undressed to step into the shower when the doorbell
rings.  She goes to the door and says, "Who is it?"

"Blind man," comes the reply.

So instead of going back to the bathroom for her robe, she opens the door.

"Hmmm.. nice body, lady.  Where do you want the blinds?"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
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From [e-mail] Mon Jun  5 18:30:06 1989
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Sumitro Samaddar)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: The Gods must be Crazy
Keywords: smirk
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 5 Jun 89 23:30:06 GMT
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Reply-Path: demon.siemens.com!samaddar

In Hindu mythology, we come across the idea that gods can
be pleased by praying to them in difficult conditions such
as in harsh weather, etc. Perhaps the idea was that if one
can concentrate the mind on God /(a god) inspite of the
distractions, God will be pleased. Anyway, I heard the
following irreverent joke about this concept a few years back.

... A guy makes up his mind to please one particular god - Yama.
(Yama is supposed to be the god of death - the cosmic hit man.
 Like every god, he too has a vehicle - he rides on a bull.)
So this guy prays while standing on one leg, in rain, in snow,
... and so on. But Yama is in no hurry. The guy is getting
angry, but since he has already spent so much time on this
endeavor, he decides to see it through. Finally, after a long
time, Yama appears in front of him and ...

YAMA : "Son, I am very pleased with your devotion. You can have
        3 boons. You may ask for wealth, women, immortality, anything."

Guy  : "Gee, let me see... I have always been fascinated by your
        bull. Let his two horns become one."

YAMA : "You are wasting 1 of your boons, but your wish is granted."
   ( and the bull's horns become one.)

Guy  : "Lord, I have always wondered what it will be like to have
        that horn shoved up someone's ass. Can YOU handle it?"

YAMA : ("What a weirdo .. but he has my word of honor.") "Well, OK.
       But you only have 1 more boon/wish left."

Guy  : "Your bull seems unhappy. Let his horn again become two."

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
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Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply.


From [e-mail] Thu Jun  8 02:20:08 1989
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!ssbn!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (John Lundberg)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: A dignified affair
Keywords: topical, chuckle, national stereotypes
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 8 Jun 89 07:20:08 GMT
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Reply-Path: unix.cis.pittsburgh.edu!jsl


Comment on the Ayatollah's funeral in Tehran (wherein the corpse of the
dead religious leader was apparently tossed to the ground by frenzied
mourners trying to get a piece of his burial shroud to keep as a relic:

"It was a dignified affair, by Iranian standards."

(from Steve Hanson, DJ on Pittsburgh's WMYG)

    ========================
Original:

Q: What's the differnce between an Iranian funeral and an English soccer
match?

A: They sell beer at an English soccer match.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
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From [e-mail] Sun Jun 11 05:30:04 1989
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Brian Jay Gould)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: College rejection letter
Keywords: original, chuckle
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 11 Jun 89 10:30:04 GMT
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Reply-Path: rutgers!pilot.njin.net!gould

I wrote this letter many years ago:


Pennsylvania State University Admissions
Address

Dear Sir,

I have received your acceptance for admission, and I regret
to inform you that I will not be attending your university in
coming years.

As a senior in high school, I have applied to many other fine
institutions to further my education. And, although yours
ranks high among them, I'm afraid that you failed to qualify.

Elimination under my system doesn't mean that you are not
qualified to educate other fine young men and women.  It
merely reflects the high caliber of colleges and universities
competing for my acceptance.

My best wishes for your future.

                          Sincerely,


                           Brian Jay Gould
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
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Remember: Only ONE joke per submission.  Extra jokes may be rejected.


From [e-mail] Sun Jun 11 18:30:04 1989
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Ronald D Harvey [phone])
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Beer drinking in the 90's
Keywords: original, smirk
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 11 Jun 89 23:30:04 GMT
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Reply-Path: att!ihlpm!jailbird



  "Gimme a Cold Filtered Big Joe Coors Dark Dry Lite Extra-Hearty
  Draft Lager With The Imported Austrailian Taste In The Barrel-
  Shaped Twist-Off Bottle and a mango, please.  Oh, and one of those
  specially-emblemed, frosted 24-ounce glasses."

  "We're outta 'em."

  "Oh.  Gimme a can of Bud Lite, then."

  "Glass?"

  "Na."

  "That'll be five bucks."


---
Ron D. Harvey     [e-mail]

"A body can work up a mean, mean thirst after a day of doing nothing."

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
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From [e-mail] Tue Jun 13 18:30:04 1989
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!rutgers!jarvis.csri.toronto.edu!utgpu!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail]
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Parable time
Keywords: maybe, swearing
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 13 Jun 89 23:30:04 GMT
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Reply-Path: axion.british-telecom.co.uk!msavage

My brother in Belfast mailed this joke to me. They don't get the net over
there (yet), so it falls on me to forward it.

**************************************************************************
     There's this pheasant standing in a field chatting to a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree" sighs
our feathered friend, "but I haven't got the energy." (bit of a
lazy layabout pheazzy) "Why don't you nibble on some of my droppings"
replies the bull sympathetically "they're packed with nutrients".
So our hero pecks at a lump of dung and finds he has enough strengh to
reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after some more eating
he can reach the second branch, and so it continues. Two weeks later we
find our plumed friend perched on the top of the tree proudly surveying
the countryside where he is spotted by the local farmer. "What a beautiful
creature" says the farmer as he dashes into the farmhouse. It is the work
of an instant for him to emerge with a shotgun and blow the f**k out of
the pheasant.
       The moral of this minor tragedy? Bullshit might get you to the top,
but it won't keep you there!

--
|Manus Savage
|British Telecom Research Laboratories
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.

If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
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From [e-mail] Fri Jun 16 05:30:04 1989
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Path: molokai!milano!bigtex!natinst!tntdev!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail]
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: at a Cambridge checkout counter
Keywords: heard it, chuckle
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 16 Jun 89 10:30:04 GMT
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(I heard this from an MIT grad, who says it's a classic).

A student pushes a loaded shopping cart up to the express checkout
lane at a Cambridge grocery store.  The cashier looks at the cart,
looks at the student, looks at the "EXPRESS -- EIGHT ITEMS OR LESS"
sign, and says to the student, "Are you from Harvard, where they
don't know how to count?  Or MIT, where they don't know how to read?"

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.

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From [e-mail] Sun Jun 18 05:30:04 1989
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Howard Stateman)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: What will they think of next
Keywords: true, smirk
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 18 Jun 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
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Reply-Path: inebriae!texbell!cs.utexas.edu!ucbvax.Berkeley.EDU!hplabs!hpwrce!howeird

(From hpwrc!hplabs!sun!plato!janos)

According to several press reports, the new drug of choice is
licking toads.

What a great lead!!

Yess, Bufo Alvirus (Sonoran desert toad to you simple folk) secretes
(a sweating toad?) bufotinine which doesn't do damn for the toad, but
makes humans feel very high indeed.

Says the Examiner story: "If you tried to lick this toad, it would
be a felonious act."

No report to date mentions what the toad turns into when you lick it.

Why not milk the toads and mix the stuff with something nice?

The head of DEA's western regional laboratory is not concerned:
"It's too nasty to screw around with," he said. "And you're going
to have to come up with a lot of toads to compete with cocaine and
marijuana."

The Berkeley police chief was suspicious because he knew of no
occurence of bufotinine use in Berkeley: "If it happened anywhere, it'd
be here," he said.

Now you know.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.

Remember: Only ONE joke per submission.  Extra jokes may be rejected.


From [e-mail] Tue Jun 20 05:30:07 1989
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Truls Solheim Myklebust)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: The priest.
Keywords: heard it, sexual, chuckle
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 20 Jun 89 10:30:07 GMT
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    A young lady had unwantedly become pregnant and wanted an abortion.
    Unfortunately, a medical examination showed she could not and when
    told so by her doctor she broke down and cried. "I can't have a baby
    now...", she said, "There must be something you can do!". The doctor
    thought about this for a while, and suddenly he came up with an idea:
    "There is bound to be someone in this hospital in for an appendix
    operation when you give birth, and we'll just give her the baby and
    tell her it wasn't the appendix after all."

    The young lady agreed to his plan, but at the time she was giving birth
    there were no women in for appendix operation in the hospital, in fact
    the only person who was was an old priest. The doctor, desperately
    realizing the gravity or the situation and his promise figured he
    might as well try anyway.

    The priest was overwhelmed. Convinced this was an immaculate
    conception he took his little son home. The years passed and his son
    grew to become a fine boy. The priest was getting old, and finally he
    he called his son to his deathbed.

    "There is sommething I have to tell you", said the priest,
    "I am not your father". His son looked at him in surprise.
    The priest went on; "I am your mother, the bishop is your father".
--
Truls Solheim Myklebust
University of Oslo
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.

If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
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From [e-mail] Tue Jun 20 18:30:07 1989
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Vernon Van Duijnhouen STUG)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: The difference between the nations
Keywords: sexual, national stereotypes, chuckle
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 20 Jun 89 23:30:07 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Organization: University of New England, Armidale, Australia
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Reply-Path: uunet!munnari!acsnet

Q. Why does an Englishman close his eyes when he has sex?

A. Because he doesn't like to see a woman dissapointed !!

Q. Why does an Australian man close his eyes when he has sex ?

A. Because he doesn't like to see a woman enjoy herself !!!!

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.

If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
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From [e-mail] Thu Jun 22 05:30:05 1989
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Pat Hirayama)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: G'day Mate
Keywords: chuckle, true
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 22 Jun 89 10:30:05 GMT
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Reply-Path: uunet!nwnexus!sumax!hirayama


(One for the True News Digest)

(From Paul Zucker, Newsbytes News Service:)

     SYDNEY, Australia (NB) -- A friend of Newsbytes swears that the
following is a true story:

     After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady repute, the
luckless customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it in to find it
Dead On Arrival.

     Naturally, after checking the usual things, he called the dealer
and explained his problem.  First question from Deviously Evasive Dealer:
"Did you check to see whether the power was on?"

     "Of course."

     DED:  "Did you open the cover and check whether any of the boards
had shaken loose in shipping?"

     "Of course."

     DED:  Then why are you calling me?"

     "Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of
warranty," pleaded the frustrated purchaser.

     "Of course there is," replied the DED, "But you voided the
warranty when you opened the cover."

     Like we said, he swears it's a true story.


{ed NewsBytes is available via the Source, Genie, PC-Link & ClariNet}
--
Pat Hirayama
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
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From [e-mail] Sun Jun 25 05:30:04 1989
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!rutgers!jarvis.csri.toronto.edu!utgpu!attcan!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Eugene Schwartzman)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Understanding Your Paycheck
Keywords: smirk
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 25 Jun 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Organization: The Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory
Lines: 48
Approved: [e-mail]
Reply-Path: uunet!aplcen.apl.jhu.edu!news


UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAYCHECK:

GROSS PAY: $1222.02

INCOME TAX    OUTGO TAX    STATE TAX    INTERSTATE TAX    COUNTY TAX
  244.40      45.21          61.10           5.89          6.11

CITY TAX    RURAL TAX    BACK TAX    FRONT TAX    SIDE TAX
  12.22          4.44          1.11          1.16          1.61

UP TAX        DOWN TAX    KNICKNACK TAX    HACKENSAC TAX    THUMBTAX
  2.22          1.11          1.98          3.93          0.98

CARPET TAX    SNACK TAX    SURTAX        MA'AM TAX    PARKING FEE
  0.69          8.32          3.46          3.46          5.00

NO PARKING FEE    F.I.C.A.    T.G.I.F.    LIFE INS.    HEALTH INS.
  10.00          81.88          9.95          5.85          16.23

DISABILITY INS.    ABILITY INS.    LIABILITY INS.    DENTAL INS.    MENTAL INS.
  2.50          0.25          3.41          4.50          4.33

FUNDAMENTAL INS.    COFFEE    COFEE CUPS     CALENDAR RENTAL    FLOOR RENTAL
  0.11              6.85      66.51           3.06          16.85

CHAIR RENTAL    DESK RENTAL    UNION DUES    UNION DON'TS    CASH ADVANCES
  4.32          4.32          5.85           3.77           0.69

CASH RETREATS    OVERTIME    UNDERTIME    EASTERN TIME    CENTRAL TIME
  121.35      1.26           54.83       9.00           8.00

MOUNTAIN TIME    PACIFIC TIME    DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME    TIME OUT
  7.00          6.00               4.44          12.21

OXYGEN        WATER        ELECTRICITY    HEAT    AIR CONDITIONING
 10.02        16.54          38.23        51.42         46.83

MISC
169.24


TAKE HOME PAY: $0000.02
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.

Remember: Only ONE joke per submission.  Extra jokes may be rejected.


From [e-mail] Mon Jun 26 05:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (david bleckmann)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Just off Letterman
Keywords: chuckle
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 26 Jun 89 10:30:06 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Lines: 23
Approved: [e-mail]
Reply-Path: mailrus!ames!hplabs!hp-pcd!orstcs!jacobs.CS.ORST.EDU!bleckmd


(On Late Night on 6/6/89.)

Dave has one of his more respectable guests on the show, a Connecticut
lady (didn't catch the name) who caters weddings and other social
events, and has written books on the subject.

She poses a question for Dave, that apparently someone has written her:

"Suppose have have set up a huge party in honor of someone.  You
have set up a band, a large outdoor tent, and a complete spread of
hors 'doeuvres, etc.  Hundreds of invitations have been sent out.

"Then, the night before the event, the guest of honor dies.  What would
you do?"


Dave replied, "Make sure he had adequate ventilation."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.

Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply.


From [e-mail] Mon Jun 26 18:30:12 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Dave Horsfall)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Some gross jokes from STC
Keywords: sexual, stereotypes, smirk
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 26 Jun 89 23:30:12 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Organization: Alcatel STC Australia, North Sydney, AUSTRALIA
Lines: 17
Approved: [e-mail]
Reply-Path: uunet!munnari!news

(These are being told by our delightful receptionist:)

Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?

A: A whore screws everyone, a bitch screws everyone except you.


Q: What do lobster thermidor and oral sex have in common?

A: You can't get either of them at home.
--
Dave Horsfall (VK2KFU),  Alcatel STC Australia
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.

Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply.


From [e-mail] Tue Jun 27 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Michael Purvis)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Army
Keywords: chuckle
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 27 Jun 89 23:30:04 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Organization: Elec Eng & Comp Sci, Uni of Tasmania, Australia
Lines: 13
Approved: [e-mail]
Reply-Path: uunet!munnari!news


"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private.  "I suppose
after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so
you can come and spit on my grave."

"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied.  "Once I get out of the Army, I ain't
never going to stand in line again!"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.

If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.


From [e-mail] Wed Jun 28 18:30:03 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Steve Balogh)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Postponed embarrassment
Keywords: true?, sexual, smirk
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 28 Jun 89 23:30:03 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Organization: Chisholm Institute of Technology, Melb, Australia
Lines: 23
Approved: [e-mail]
Reply-Path: uunet!munnari!news


(Source: Melbourne Herald, In Black & White 14/6/89)

A mother due for an appointment with her gynaecologist was running too far
behind schedule to fit in a shower, so she opted for a quick cleanse with a
face washer.

While being examined by the gynaecologist, she was taken aback by his
cryptic remark:

    "You shouldn't have gone to so much trouble!"

Well, she never...

But all became clear that night, when the woman's teenage daughter arrived
home and apologised for the spilt bottle of glitter on the bathroom floor.

The sweet thing had mopped up the mess using the mother's face washer!
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.

I reply to all submissions, but about 20% of the replies bounce.


From [e-mail] Thu Jun 29 05:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (r.bieling)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: red-tapism
Keywords: chuckle
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 29 Jun 89 10:30:06 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Lines: 47
Approved: [e-mail]
Reply-Path: netherlands.eu.net!eutrc3!wsinrb

From:

"de banaan wordt bespreekbaar", cultuurverandering in
ambtelijk en politiek Groningen. door Tom Pauka en
Rein Zunderdorp (Nijgh en van Ditmar, 1988)

Translated:

"the banana becomes open to discussion", cultural changes in
administrative and political Groningen (city in Netherlands) by
Tom Pauka and Rein Zunderdorp (Nijgh and van Ditmar, 1988)]

Red-tapism:

Take a cage with apes. In the cage we hang a banana on a string,
and put a stairs under it. Before long an ape goes to the stairs
towards the banana, but as soon as it even touches the stairs,
all apes are sprayed with water. After a while the same ape or
another one makes another attempt, with the same result: all
apes are sprayed. If later another ape tries to climb the
stairs, the others will try to prevent it.

 Now we take one ape from the cage and put in a new one. The new
ape sees the banana, and wants to climb the stairs. To his
horror all other apes attack him. After another attempt he
knows: if he wants to climb the stairs, he is beaten up. Then we
remove a second ape and replace it by another new one. The
newcommer goes to the stairs and gets beaten up. The previous
new ape takes part in the punishment with enthousiasm.

  A third old ape is replaced by a third new one. The new one
makes it to the stairs and get beaten up as well. Two of the
apes who beat him, have no idea why you may not climb the stairs.
  We replace the fourth old ape, and the fifth, etc until all
apes which ones have been sprayed with water have been replaced.
Nevertheless, no ape ever tries to climb the stairs.

"but Sir, why not?"
"Because that's the way we do things here, lad."
--
Rob and Huub

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.

Topical (current events) jokes should be sent to [e-mail]